I'm sure that we all understand her pain and rage for this senseless loss.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Limit Brain Bashing
In the beginning, it is best to limit the amount of time that you spend sitting alone stewing and suffering. Suffering feeds suffering and you can become overwhelmed by grief. It will be painful to be around others for quite awhile, especially vibrant, perky people who try to "cheer you up." My son needed reassurance that I was still there and would continue to be there for him. He would anxiously try to get me to play video games with him, but I could not at first. Instead, all I could do was cradle him in our Lazy Boy chair while he watched cartoons. Surrounded by my warmth, he slowly returned to feeling safe in my arms. He accepted that I had not abandoned him, even though I was not "all there."
What got me through the early days was engagement in mind numbing activities that drowned out my ruminative thoughts and allowed my mind to quiet. When the loss was very fresh, concentration was very difficult. Trying to learn a new activity or attempting perform too involved or complicated tasks increases frustration and worsens suffering. Instead, focus on simple, repetitive activities that require little or no conscious thought. As your mind become stronger, you can slowly spend increasingly more time sitting and processing your grief when you are prepared in the "on times" and doing more complicated numbing activities when you are in the "off times."
Below are some activities that helped me:
Cleaning the house: scrubbing the floors, ironing, folding clothes, washing windows, detailing the cars
Gardening: trimming spent flowers one at a time, raking leaves, cutting the grass with a manual powered mover, pulling weeds.
Greenovating: picking up trash from the street. During the week of the first anniversary of my husband's death, I painted and then repainted my entire bathroom.
Watching old cartoons (In the old cartoons, the good guys always win and no one is ever actually harmed, unlike many of the modern day cartoons.)
Play noncompetitive games that you already know (as your concentration may be too limited to learn something new & competing will increase your stress): video poker, jig saw puzzles, maze games.
Cooking (likely it will be more relaxing to do it for others at first): chopping fruits & vegetables, stirring pots, kneading bread/dough
Move the body:
Disorganized Dance (chose trance inducing music like techno or songs with strong drum beats; avoid slow songs or those with vocals): let your body flail around freely.
Organized: Tai Chi/Qigong (if you already know them); aerobics (probably not in person; can get videos from the library or watch classes on cable/satellite)
Sort big piles of little things: loose change, screws, nails.
Art work: I bought a large bag of beads from one of those dollar stores. I hot glued them onto an enlarged image of the Celtic maze that I'd had enlarged at Kinkos. You could also do needle point, knitting, or sewing. Attempting to paint images may create difficulties if they turn out to be related to your loss and you do them too early.
Art work: I bought a large bag of beads from one of those dollar stores. I hot glued them onto an enlarged image of the Celtic maze that I'd had enlarged at Kinkos. You could also do needle point, knitting, or sewing. Attempting to paint images may create difficulties if they turn out to be related to your loss and you do them too early.
Do you have other ideas? Email me?
National Post: Conservatives threaten lawsuit against asbestos widow
This is unfortunate. She is only trying to get the word out in order to help others.
National Post: Conservatives threaten lawsuit against asbestos widow
Tristin Hopper
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Conservative Party leadership have threatened legal action against a Quebec asbestos widow turned anti-asbestos campaigner. On July 29, Michaela Keyserlingk received a cease-and-desist email from Conservative Party Executive Director Dan Hilton. The email concerned an ad banner that Ms. ...
You received this email because your friend Dana thought you would be interested in the article linked above.
© 2010 The National Post Company. All rights reserved. Unauthorized distribution, transmission or republication strictly prohibited.
© 2010 The National Post Company. All rights reserved. Unauthorized distribution, transmission or republication strictly prohibited.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Take it slow
This poor woman's mistake could happen to anyone. Be careful about storing and purging, especially before your head is completely together. I boxed up my late husband's "best things" and put them in a closet for my when my son gets older.
article from The Jamestown Sun
You have been sent this article from Dana kerry
For those who live near there.
Widows' retreat planned for September
Kari Lucin - 08/12/2011
For women who have lost their husbands, sharing stories in a safe, supportive environment can be vital to the grieving process. The Jamestown Area Grief Support Team (JAGST) will offer a retreat for widows Sept. 16-18 at the Maryvale Retreat Center, Valley City, where the women will discuss their experiences and learn ways of coping with grief. "It's work, healing," said Kathy Vandeberghe, a widow who attended JAGST's first widows' retreat. "Either you will become better, or you will become bitter." The nonprofit, volunteer grief support team started in 2002, and offers support to people who have lost loved ones, through education and support groups. Offering a retreat geared specifically for widows was Vandeberghe's idea, and the first one was a smash success, said Eileen Lisko, JAGST member. Twelve women attended, one with a loss as recent as three months prior to the retreat, and another who had lost a husband 20 years ago. "When we heard from them afterward, (they said) this really has changed my life," Lisko recalled. This year's retreat will include a presentation on signs of depression from Tracy Johnk of Jamestown Regional Medical Center, who will explain how to tell the difference between grief and depression, and a presentation from Angie Kokott about expressing grief through art and music. A panel of JAGST members who have lost their spouses will share their stories of loss, and then the widows on the retreat will share their experiences. "The more you share, the more healing it is to you and the other people too," said Diane Witzig, JAGST member. Listening to other widows and telling their own stories can be especially helpful because people experiencing grief often never take an opportunity to deal with it, Lisko said. "We're so conditioned to try to be strong." As might be expected, the retreat will include many sad moments, but it will also include laughter and plenty fun activities, including massages, hand and feet treatments, music, a tea, movie night and a pajama party. There's even a candy bar, with a vast array of candy to choose from. "It was a great experience," Lisko said. Anyone interested in signing up for the widows' retreat may print out a registration form at jagst.org. They may also call Lisko at 251-1280 or 269-4521, Witzig at 952-7508 or 320-4915 or Vandeberghe at 952-8001 or 659-8001. Sun reporter Kari Lucin can be reached at 701-952-8453 or by email at klucin@jamestownsun.com
For those who live near there.
Widows' retreat planned for September
Kari Lucin - 08/12/2011
For women who have lost their husbands, sharing stories in a safe, supportive environment can be vital to the grieving process. The Jamestown Area Grief Support Team (JAGST) will offer a retreat for widows Sept. 16-18 at the Maryvale Retreat Center, Valley City, where the women will discuss their experiences and learn ways of coping with grief. "It's work, healing," said Kathy Vandeberghe, a widow who attended JAGST's first widows' retreat. "Either you will become better, or you will become bitter." The nonprofit, volunteer grief support team started in 2002, and offers support to people who have lost loved ones, through education and support groups. Offering a retreat geared specifically for widows was Vandeberghe's idea, and the first one was a smash success, said Eileen Lisko, JAGST member. Twelve women attended, one with a loss as recent as three months prior to the retreat, and another who had lost a husband 20 years ago. "When we heard from them afterward, (they said) this really has changed my life," Lisko recalled. This year's retreat will include a presentation on signs of depression from Tracy Johnk of Jamestown Regional Medical Center, who will explain how to tell the difference between grief and depression, and a presentation from Angie Kokott about expressing grief through art and music. A panel of JAGST members who have lost their spouses will share their stories of loss, and then the widows on the retreat will share their experiences. "The more you share, the more healing it is to you and the other people too," said Diane Witzig, JAGST member. Listening to other widows and telling their own stories can be especially helpful because people experiencing grief often never take an opportunity to deal with it, Lisko said. "We're so conditioned to try to be strong." As might be expected, the retreat will include many sad moments, but it will also include laughter and plenty fun activities, including massages, hand and feet treatments, music, a tea, movie night and a pajama party. There's even a candy bar, with a vast array of candy to choose from. "It was a great experience," Lisko said. Anyone interested in signing up for the widows' retreat may print out a registration form at jagst.org. They may also call Lisko at 251-1280 or 269-4521, Witzig at 952-7508 or 320-4915 or Vandeberghe at 952-8001 or 659-8001. Sun reporter Kari Lucin can be reached at 701-952-8453 or by email at klucin@jamestownsun.com
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
You Broke What?
I was shamefully unprepared to handle home maintenance issues. My late husband could fix most things. Those that he couldn't fix, or chose not to take the time to fix, he would have repaired or replace - without my needing to get involved. He was dependable and quite good at handling repair issues. So, I never bother to learn how to do even the simplest of fixes. Additionally, the repair population in Los Angeles is predominantly composed of male immigrants, or at least most of the ones we found were. They seemed to consider repairs issues male domain. I remember trying to discuss an plumbing issue with one while my husband was alive. He vigorously shook his head and said, "No. Where is the man. I want to talk to the man." On a different occasion, I'd convinced my late husband to make changes in the kitchen (because I told him that I would pay for them). The contractor showed up before my husband could return from his meeting. The man refused to assess the kitchen, even for simple measurements, because my late husband was not home. He said that he was tired of women calling him for estimates without their husbands' consent and then having the husbands veto the changes. That wasn't the way my late-husband and I lived. However, no amount of discussion would persuade the man. I told him to leave. My husband arrived home ten minutes later. We went with another kitchen company.
My lack of knowledge and experience resulted in my being victimized by unscrupulous repairmen after my late husband died. The most egregious occurred at the hand of a neighbor who works as a contractor. It was very subtle at first. After my husband's memorial, the neighbor came to my house and told me that he was available to help me with any repair issues. My house was built in the 1930's. It wasn't long before something broke. It was small things at first: leaky sink, blown light fixture, etc. I'd call, he'd come fix something, I'd offer him money, he'd decline other than the cost of materials. I trusted him implicitly. I began to have him do repair work on my income property. For these, he charged his "standard" fees. When the city's code enforcement team asked for a long list of repairs, it was the neighbor who I asked to do them, even though another contractor offered a lower bid. At first I thought that his work looked great and he'd always take his time on the projects, even though his prices seemed high. However, after paying him for a very expensive painting job, I went to the building to discover paint chips all over the ground surrounding the building. Two children live in the building. Paint chips are a big safety no-no. I called him about them. He was very apologetic and went to collect them. The building passed code enforcement inspection.
Things seemed fine until the winter became spring. As the temperature began to climb, I began receiving complaints from tenants that their windows had been painted shut. One tenant managed to break the paint seal on one of his windows and it came apart in his hands. Repairing the window was for an additional fee. The repairs never seemed to stop. The contractor kept pointing out things that needed to be fixed to me and later to the tenants, "as a precaution because dire results might otherwise occur." I began to feel squeezed. Whenever I complained about the mounting costs, he'd say confidently, "You have plenty of money." (How or why he would think so was curious to me.) When I went to my CPA for taxes at the end of the year, he told me that the prices I was charged were nearly three times what he normally saw for that kind of work. He gave me the, "What were you thinking" look. I was embarrassed. It was too much.
Getting rid of the guy was difficult. I don't know what he'd said to the tenants, but at one point they were calling him about repair prior to calling me. He would go fix things and then present me with bills. One tenant even sent his rent check to the contractor's home, instead of mine. That scared me.
I started watching repair shows on DIY and HGTV.
My lack of knowledge and experience resulted in my being victimized by unscrupulous repairmen after my late husband died. The most egregious occurred at the hand of a neighbor who works as a contractor. It was very subtle at first. After my husband's memorial, the neighbor came to my house and told me that he was available to help me with any repair issues. My house was built in the 1930's. It wasn't long before something broke. It was small things at first: leaky sink, blown light fixture, etc. I'd call, he'd come fix something, I'd offer him money, he'd decline other than the cost of materials. I trusted him implicitly. I began to have him do repair work on my income property. For these, he charged his "standard" fees. When the city's code enforcement team asked for a long list of repairs, it was the neighbor who I asked to do them, even though another contractor offered a lower bid. At first I thought that his work looked great and he'd always take his time on the projects, even though his prices seemed high. However, after paying him for a very expensive painting job, I went to the building to discover paint chips all over the ground surrounding the building. Two children live in the building. Paint chips are a big safety no-no. I called him about them. He was very apologetic and went to collect them. The building passed code enforcement inspection.
Things seemed fine until the winter became spring. As the temperature began to climb, I began receiving complaints from tenants that their windows had been painted shut. One tenant managed to break the paint seal on one of his windows and it came apart in his hands. Repairing the window was for an additional fee. The repairs never seemed to stop. The contractor kept pointing out things that needed to be fixed to me and later to the tenants, "as a precaution because dire results might otherwise occur." I began to feel squeezed. Whenever I complained about the mounting costs, he'd say confidently, "You have plenty of money." (How or why he would think so was curious to me.) When I went to my CPA for taxes at the end of the year, he told me that the prices I was charged were nearly three times what he normally saw for that kind of work. He gave me the, "What were you thinking" look. I was embarrassed. It was too much.
Getting rid of the guy was difficult. I don't know what he'd said to the tenants, but at one point they were calling him about repair prior to calling me. He would go fix things and then present me with bills. One tenant even sent his rent check to the contractor's home, instead of mine. That scared me.
I started watching repair shows on DIY and HGTV.
Monday, October 4, 2010
What some people think about widows
Time for a hard disclosure. It has seemed to me that most people do not like dealing with widows. We "creep them out." On the one hand, they "understand" the raw emotion that comes from loss. However, dealing with us while we deal with it, seems too much for some.
After what they deem to be a "suitable mourning period," the uncomfortable people will start to send subtle "get over it" messages. Several people have begun sentences to me with, "It's been (however long).." Do not allow statements from insensitive people to make you overly concerned, and certainly do not feel any guilt. In my case, some of my friends began their push to "health" after only three months. At that time, I had moved beyond counting the days. I was counting the weeks. From there, I counted the months, based upon the date of loss. At first, I would point the timeline out to our friends and family members. However, when I realized that this made some of them uncomfortable, I kept it to myself and a few understanding souls.
Your financial status will be of great interest and concern for some people. Again, in most cases, this is because well meaning friends and loved ones will want to ensure that you and your kids will be able to survive. However, some will approach the matter with a kind of blind prejudice. They will presume that you "must need money" since you no longer have a husband, regardless of your employment status. At times, it can be hard not to take offense with people who push the issue. I am well educated and employed. My late husband and I were not given excesses and status symbols. Part of the reason for our restraint was the over-hanging knowledge that he had a condition which was likely to result in at least a disability. Some have been so insistent that I had to be in dire straights that I've almost felt the need to post my income on facebook.
The flip side of the "destitute widow" is the "rich widow."
Having people think that you must be rich, just because you can pay your bills, is also not a great condition. It brings out the predators. These opportunists will try to convince you that you cannot possibly make it without their input and guideance, which will of course require some sort of funds transfer to them.
After what they deem to be a "suitable mourning period," the uncomfortable people will start to send subtle "get over it" messages. Several people have begun sentences to me with, "It's been (however long).." Do not allow statements from insensitive people to make you overly concerned, and certainly do not feel any guilt. In my case, some of my friends began their push to "health" after only three months. At that time, I had moved beyond counting the days. I was counting the weeks. From there, I counted the months, based upon the date of loss. At first, I would point the timeline out to our friends and family members. However, when I realized that this made some of them uncomfortable, I kept it to myself and a few understanding souls.
Your financial status will be of great interest and concern for some people. Again, in most cases, this is because well meaning friends and loved ones will want to ensure that you and your kids will be able to survive. However, some will approach the matter with a kind of blind prejudice. They will presume that you "must need money" since you no longer have a husband, regardless of your employment status. At times, it can be hard not to take offense with people who push the issue. I am well educated and employed. My late husband and I were not given excesses and status symbols. Part of the reason for our restraint was the over-hanging knowledge that he had a condition which was likely to result in at least a disability. Some have been so insistent that I had to be in dire straights that I've almost felt the need to post my income on facebook.
The flip side of the "destitute widow" is the "rich widow."
Having people think that you must be rich, just because you can pay your bills, is also not a great condition. It brings out the predators. These opportunists will try to convince you that you cannot possibly make it without their input and guideance, which will of course require some sort of funds transfer to them.
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