Limit Brain Bashing

In the beginning, it is best to limit the amount of time that you spend sitting alone stewing and suffering. Suffering feeds suffering and you can become overwhelmed by grief. It will be painful to be around others for quite awhile, especially vibrant, perky people who try to "cheer you up." My son needed reassurance that I was still there and would continue to be there for him. He would anxiously try to get me to play video games with him, but I could not at first. Instead, all I could do was cradle him in our Lazy Boy chair while he watched cartoons. Surrounded by my warmth, he slowly returned to feeling safe in my arms.  He accepted that I had not abandoned him, even though I was not "all there."  

What got me through the early days was engagement in mind numbing activities that drowned out my ruminative thoughts and allowed my mind to quiet. When the loss was very fresh, concentration was very difficult. Trying to learn a new activity or attempting perform too involved or complicated tasks increases frustration and worsens suffering. Instead, focus on simple, repetitive activities that require little or no conscious thought.  As your mind become stronger, you can slowly spend increasingly more time sitting and processing your grief when you are prepared in the "on times" and doing more complicated numbing activities when you are in the "off times."

Below are some activities that helped me:

Cleaning the house: scrubbing the floors, ironing, folding clothes, washing windows, detailing the cars

Gardening: trimming spent flowers one at a time, raking leaves, cutting the grass with a manual powered mover, pulling weeds.

Greenovating: picking up trash from the street. During the week of the first anniversary of my husband's death, I painted and then repainted my entire bathroom.

Watching old cartoons (In the old cartoons, the good guys always win and no one is ever actually harmed, unlike many of the modern day cartoons.)

Play noncompetitive games that you already know (as your concentration may be too limited to learn something new & competing will increase your stress): video poker, jig saw puzzles, maze games.

Cooking (likely it will be more relaxing to do it for others at first): chopping fruits & vegetables, stirring pots, kneading bread/dough

Move the body:

Disorganized Dance (chose trance inducing music like techno or songs with strong drum beats; avoid slow songs or those with vocals): let your body flail around freely.

Organized: Tai Chi/Qigong (if you already know them); aerobics (probably not in person; can get videos from the library or watch classes on cable/satellite)

Sort big piles of little things: loose change, screws, nails.

Art work:  I bought a large bag of beads from one of those dollar stores.  I hot glued them onto an enlarged image of the Celtic maze that I'd had enlarged at Kinkos. You could also do needle point, knitting, or sewing. Attempting to paint images may create difficulties if they turn out to be related to your loss and you do them too early.

Do you have other ideas?  Email me?