You did what with your husband's remains!?!

Those first two days of home hospice were a blessing.  The social worker walked us through what I would have to do after he "transitioned" (more on that later).  And she helped us BOTH talk about what we BOTH needed to decide for my late-husband's, ultimate remains.

Up to that point, we'd been so consumed with his illness and ensuring that his last days were spent in the manner of his choosing that we'd never sat together and discussed what would be to come later.  I remember trying to change the subject when the social worker initially asked, "What will be done with what will be left of him?"  I remember thinking that she had to be the rudest person on the face of the ENTIRE EARTH to ask ME that with him sitting right there. I'd already, secretly, decided that I was going to cremate him. Surely her question had to be some form of disrespect for him or us both. Nope. She was not asking just me.  She was asking us both, and she was correct to do so.  

I'd decided on cremation because I figured I'd one day leave California (we only came here for his job, and I've never really felt at home here). He was a very spiritual person, but not a religious one.  When the social worker raised her very pointed question, I feared he would want something else. It turns out that he didn't.  He wanted to be cremated.  I relaxed until I saw her (I felt at the time) "pushy" nod.  Then, I reluctantly asked if he wanted his ashes to be spread somewhere in particular.  Thankfully, he told us there was nowhere else that he wanted to be, and that he felt the soul was free of the body after "death."  I was very relieved. I did not want to have been deceitful to him.  But, if he'd asked to be spread, I would only spread some of the ashes. I did not want to risk leaving his remains behind and unattended.  

You see, my parents both died (of natural causes) when I was very young.  They ended up being buried in separate cemeteries.  I've never exactly known where.  In all of the decades since their deaths, I know of no one who has gone to tend their graves.  For all that I know (based upon unreasonable stories in the Los Angeles news about grave desecration), they may no longer even be where they were left. I did not want the same thing to happen to my late-husband. 

So, I keep my late-husband's ashes in our home. He's locked in a security closet in my son's man cave.  I used to keep him on the fireplace built-out because his urn was too big to fit on the shelf that I'd originally selected.  Oddly, the presence of his urn seemed to unnerve some people. When some of our friends would visit, they'd peek fearfully at it out of the corners of their eyes.  It was almost comical.

The people were comfortable with him while he was alive.  The people visited him while he was dying.  I'm unclear as to why his urn would make them afraid.  My son and I feel quite comfortable with having him here. (Happily, my son remains untouched by the cemetery's charge.)

Your late-husband and you get to decide what is to be done. It's mostly him, but fully only the two of you.  It may be hard to set limits against others because there may be many, well-meaning loved one who might have different ideas.  If you believe they truly love you and actually do have your best interest at heart, then you (or better yet, your hospice social worker) can lovingly thank them for their care and concerns and explain that you have to do things as you and your husband agreed.  If you think it will help, tell them you don't want to break your word to him.  Afterall, he died believing that you would to see to his wishes as best as you are able.  I have what some might call a "strong" personality.  I'm in a reasonably secure financial position.  It was well within my power to grant my husband's wishes, especially since so many of our family and friends rallied to help.

If your late-husband's wishes are within your power to grant, your soul (and I think his too) will not settle for less than your best, reasonable efforts.  Understand, if it turns out that you cannot manage to fulfill all of his wishes, explain to your late-husband (his spirit will linger) and then do what you can reasonably do. Your late-husband will know that you love him and that you really did wish to do it all as you both surmised.  AND, he also knows that you are only just a mortal, human being. He would not wish harm to his wife and kids for plans that he surely would have changed, had he lived.

I bid you Courage, Strength, and the Loving Resolve to See it Done.